Bill Bullard said, “Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge…is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world.”
Our society seems to admire highly opinionated people. People with strong opinions, stated with energy, come across as dynamic and knowledgeable. In a world where people spend a great deal of money on books and seminars about self-esteem, it makes sense that many would think this way. Additionally, the media encourages us to live on a diet of sensationalism; and this seems to lead us to the computer term: Garbage in, garbage out.
The quote made me think of movies about Native American tribal councils of olden days who’d meet in a teepee to discuss a situation that required a decision. (Hollywood followed the patriarchal model, so I’ll use masculine terms since I’m referencing movies and not historical facts.) The chief would sit silently as each warrior offered his opinion. After everyone spoke, the chief would puff on a pipe until he was ready to speak. The implication was that he contemplated everyone’s contributions about the problem and potential solutions. Inevitably, his comments (hopefully) brought people beyond their personal opinions and predilections so they, too, considered the good of the tribe instead of their personal issue or agenda.
In this representation, no matter how brave or dynamic, young warriors were never made chief. The tribe recognized that their leader needed to be a wizened individual who would consider short-term and long-term consequences of every decision he made on behalf of his people, one who’d look at the bigger picture. He couldn’t afford to be opinionated or force his opinions on the tribe.
Certainly some opinions are natural and necessary for us to know what we want and don’t want, enjoy and don’t enjoy. But perhaps we can sometimes slow down a bit on jumping straight to an opinion in certain situations. Life coach training taught us to seek to understand before we seek to be understood.
Sometimes when others speak, we don’t really listen to them. We don’t pay attention to key words or body language, or even their history. Instead, we focus on our responses or reactions to what they’re saying and even the point we want to make or foist upon them. All of us have witnessed someone (or done it ourselves) go right into attack-mode at a comment or action rather than ask one or more questions to learn what motivated another to say or do something.
Some people have strong, out-going personalities and others are willing to take whatever these types say as correct or true. They are like the warriors I described above: Always armed with an opinion, usually stated assertively or even aggressively. There was a time when I’d be in the company of these types and wonder if perhaps I shouldn’t be more like them. As I’ve learned to recognize and appreciate my authentic self, I’ve become comfortable with preferring to emulate the chief more often than not. There’s a great deal you can learn when you listen, observe, ask questions, and seek to understand before you seek to be understood.
This also keeps me away from attack-mode, even though this mode is not my nature. My preference is not to berate or degrade another. More fulfillment and joy comes to me when I play a role in assisting someone to self-empower, to identify what is appropriate for them rather than tell them what I think is appropriate for them, to, as the quote says, suspend my ego so I can understand what it’s like for them to live in their inner and outer world. If I don’t have any inkling about what they’re feeling and experiencing, how can I contribute anything of quality in the way of a comment or right question?
There are certainly times when being a warrior is necessary; but sometimes, we could behave like chiefs. Chiefs are certainly warriors; they just operate on a different level.
Joyce Shafer is an author; freelance rewriter, editor, and proofreader; as well as a weekly columnist published at various online venues. Learn more about practical wisdoms for everyday life in her book, "I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say" and how to move any area of your life to the next level in "How to Have What You REALLY Want," both available at http://www.lulu.com. Visit her new website at http://www.freewebs.com/joyceshafer.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Does Positive Thinking Work?
I received an e-newsletter with a comment from a highly successful individual arguing that positive thinking doesn’t work and why. He also claimed that when he expresses this opinion, some people get their knickers in a knot, especially those who’ve spent decades reading the books and attending seminars and, he added, without any significant change in their lives. Here are some other points he made.
No amount of positive thinking will create a shift for a couch potato.
Nor for someone who has deeply held negative feelings about what they can accomplish.
The 20% for whom positive thinking works were achievers to begin with.
No amount of positive thinking will ever shift how life is experienced for a pessimist.
He makes some good points; but I’d like to look at and expand on them.
Positive thinking and repeating or writing affirmations without taking action is like looking at ingredients in your kitchen and wishing for a particular meal to happen. Now, it’s possible you could feel hungry for something in particular, say, lasagna, and a neighbor invites you over or brings you a serving of lasagna. These are delightful occurrences; but more often than not, you’ll have to get into the kitchen and cook.
If someone identifies their nature (some of it learned) as pessimistic, that’s a huge step in the right direction. A pessimist doesn’t need to become an optimist; he or she just needs to acquire, develop, and rely on tools that move him quickly to where he prefers to be. The writer of the article is correct about positive thinking not working because what we attract to us is based on our deeply held feelings. And, thank goodness. If the average person thinks over 12,000 thoughts each day, we could really get ourselves into some unpleasant situations if all of them came true.
I don’t know if the commenter is correct about the 20:80 ratio but more than likely, some of the 80% he placed into non- or underachiever pessimists have probably had some successes in their lifetimes. What he feels will create results is visualization. My thought is that positive thinking, affirmations, and visualization work if and only if an individual can touch a feeling of having it.
Previously, I wrote that my triggered reaction (learned behavior) falls into the category of pessimist. Because I decided that it doesn’t feel good to sustain this feeling, I’ve developed tools that help me move away from it so I can feel the way I prefer. My biggest motivator, and not just because someone wrote or said it but because I live it, is that whatever I feel the strongest is what I expand more of into my life. A significant distinction to get here is that this doesn’t mean I never have challenges enter my life, it means I choose my thoughts, words, actions, and feelings about everything.
It’s okay to identify what you don’t like or want then identify the opposite or what’s appropriate for you. The key is you have to let your feelings about what you prefer be stronger than what you want to change. Otherwise, your feelings stay on what you don’t like and you get more of that.
You have to intend what you prefer. You have to commit to it, no mater what it takes. Think about anything you’ve ever been determined to do. You did it, right? Go ahead and write your vision or goal down. Visualize it. Affirm it’s yours. But if you really want to charge it up, you’re going to have to believe it will be yours and allow it.
How I get in touch with a feeling is to recall a moment when I felt a particular way, let’s use successful as an example. I may start out bringing to mind what was going on and who was there, but I end up at what it felt like to know I’d chosen a target, taken aim, and hit it. I “stand” in the middle of the feeling until it’s so familiar I can call it up at will.
Some of the actions you take may not work. Those are called Lessons about How Not to Do It. If you’re committed to success about anything, your mantra can be, “There’s a way and I’m going to find it or create it.”
The way to do positive thinking may be to state, “I’m positive I can choose to feel differently at any time. I’m positive I can choose to be open to good things happening in my life. I’m positive I can find the actions that create the outcomes I choose.”
It’s not about what comes to us in life, it’s about what we choose to do with what we have, who we are, and who we intend to be.
Joyce Shafer is an author; freelance rewriter, editor, and proofreader; as well as a weekly columnist published at various online venues. See the exceptional reviews of her books, "I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say" and "How to Have What You REALLY Want," at www.lulu.com. Visit her new website at http://www.freewebs.com/joyceshafer.
No amount of positive thinking will create a shift for a couch potato.
Nor for someone who has deeply held negative feelings about what they can accomplish.
The 20% for whom positive thinking works were achievers to begin with.
No amount of positive thinking will ever shift how life is experienced for a pessimist.
He makes some good points; but I’d like to look at and expand on them.
Positive thinking and repeating or writing affirmations without taking action is like looking at ingredients in your kitchen and wishing for a particular meal to happen. Now, it’s possible you could feel hungry for something in particular, say, lasagna, and a neighbor invites you over or brings you a serving of lasagna. These are delightful occurrences; but more often than not, you’ll have to get into the kitchen and cook.
If someone identifies their nature (some of it learned) as pessimistic, that’s a huge step in the right direction. A pessimist doesn’t need to become an optimist; he or she just needs to acquire, develop, and rely on tools that move him quickly to where he prefers to be. The writer of the article is correct about positive thinking not working because what we attract to us is based on our deeply held feelings. And, thank goodness. If the average person thinks over 12,000 thoughts each day, we could really get ourselves into some unpleasant situations if all of them came true.
I don’t know if the commenter is correct about the 20:80 ratio but more than likely, some of the 80% he placed into non- or underachiever pessimists have probably had some successes in their lifetimes. What he feels will create results is visualization. My thought is that positive thinking, affirmations, and visualization work if and only if an individual can touch a feeling of having it.
Previously, I wrote that my triggered reaction (learned behavior) falls into the category of pessimist. Because I decided that it doesn’t feel good to sustain this feeling, I’ve developed tools that help me move away from it so I can feel the way I prefer. My biggest motivator, and not just because someone wrote or said it but because I live it, is that whatever I feel the strongest is what I expand more of into my life. A significant distinction to get here is that this doesn’t mean I never have challenges enter my life, it means I choose my thoughts, words, actions, and feelings about everything.
It’s okay to identify what you don’t like or want then identify the opposite or what’s appropriate for you. The key is you have to let your feelings about what you prefer be stronger than what you want to change. Otherwise, your feelings stay on what you don’t like and you get more of that.
You have to intend what you prefer. You have to commit to it, no mater what it takes. Think about anything you’ve ever been determined to do. You did it, right? Go ahead and write your vision or goal down. Visualize it. Affirm it’s yours. But if you really want to charge it up, you’re going to have to believe it will be yours and allow it.
How I get in touch with a feeling is to recall a moment when I felt a particular way, let’s use successful as an example. I may start out bringing to mind what was going on and who was there, but I end up at what it felt like to know I’d chosen a target, taken aim, and hit it. I “stand” in the middle of the feeling until it’s so familiar I can call it up at will.
Some of the actions you take may not work. Those are called Lessons about How Not to Do It. If you’re committed to success about anything, your mantra can be, “There’s a way and I’m going to find it or create it.”
The way to do positive thinking may be to state, “I’m positive I can choose to feel differently at any time. I’m positive I can choose to be open to good things happening in my life. I’m positive I can find the actions that create the outcomes I choose.”
It’s not about what comes to us in life, it’s about what we choose to do with what we have, who we are, and who we intend to be.
Joyce Shafer is an author; freelance rewriter, editor, and proofreader; as well as a weekly columnist published at various online venues. See the exceptional reviews of her books, "I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say" and "How to Have What You REALLY Want," at www.lulu.com. Visit her new website at http://www.freewebs.com/joyceshafer.
Every Fear Hides a Wish
This title is a line of dialogue from a movie I recently watched. I shared it with a friend who emailed back, “What does THAT mean?”
I suppose it could mean we wish the opposite of what we’re afraid of were true instead. If we fear instability in some area of our lives, perhaps we wish security in this matter was etched in stone so we never had to think about it again.
It could mean we’re in denial. Someone once said we only criticize when we feel restricted. Criticism stems from fear. Or, we might fear something or someone because we recognize that an aspect we see in them or it exists within us. Maybe we don’t believe we can properly manage that aspect, so we impose fear on ourselves to keep in line.
Days, or even years, could be spent identifying fears and wishes and we’d never cover all of them, mostly because we’ll always be able to come up with new ones. As intriguing as it is for me to play with this, I asked myself, “But, where should this go from here?”
Eliminating a fear (or managing it) is something we can develop inner tools for. Making wishes become realities is also something we can do if we apply ourselves at the inner and outer levels. So what would be the next step in considering this?
In my opinion, I think ultimately we want to feel strong. We want to feel a level of self-trust in that fears and wishes are matters we readily address but perhaps differently than we may have before.
Self-trust and security have a partnership. Security, as much as we’d like it to be an outer experience, is really an inner one. Everything changes; and that can rattle our sense of security pretty darn fast. However, when our sense of it comes from within, change might stir (or roil) the waters, but we know we can restore inner balance by pulling from the strong foundation of who we know ourselves to be. When we have a defined level of self-trust, we know we can manage ourselves through any gust or gale. Our self-trust is our security.
Perhaps the next time you feel a fear, look for which wish accompanies it. Ask yourself how you truly want to feel about the matter. Then ask yourself what stops you from feeling that way now. You may quickly realize the only thing that stops you is that you made a different choice. You can give yourself permission to feel the way you wish to feel, no matter what.
Try it. Watch what happens in your life as a result.
Joyce Shafer is a published author; freelance rewriter, editor, proofreader; and weekly columnist published at various online venues. See the exceptional reviews of her books, "I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say," at www.lulu.com/content/773467, and "How to Have What You REALLY Want," at www.lulu.com/content/796351. Visit her new website at ttp://www.freewebs.com/joyceshafer.
I suppose it could mean we wish the opposite of what we’re afraid of were true instead. If we fear instability in some area of our lives, perhaps we wish security in this matter was etched in stone so we never had to think about it again.
It could mean we’re in denial. Someone once said we only criticize when we feel restricted. Criticism stems from fear. Or, we might fear something or someone because we recognize that an aspect we see in them or it exists within us. Maybe we don’t believe we can properly manage that aspect, so we impose fear on ourselves to keep in line.
Days, or even years, could be spent identifying fears and wishes and we’d never cover all of them, mostly because we’ll always be able to come up with new ones. As intriguing as it is for me to play with this, I asked myself, “But, where should this go from here?”
Eliminating a fear (or managing it) is something we can develop inner tools for. Making wishes become realities is also something we can do if we apply ourselves at the inner and outer levels. So what would be the next step in considering this?
In my opinion, I think ultimately we want to feel strong. We want to feel a level of self-trust in that fears and wishes are matters we readily address but perhaps differently than we may have before.
Self-trust and security have a partnership. Security, as much as we’d like it to be an outer experience, is really an inner one. Everything changes; and that can rattle our sense of security pretty darn fast. However, when our sense of it comes from within, change might stir (or roil) the waters, but we know we can restore inner balance by pulling from the strong foundation of who we know ourselves to be. When we have a defined level of self-trust, we know we can manage ourselves through any gust or gale. Our self-trust is our security.
Perhaps the next time you feel a fear, look for which wish accompanies it. Ask yourself how you truly want to feel about the matter. Then ask yourself what stops you from feeling that way now. You may quickly realize the only thing that stops you is that you made a different choice. You can give yourself permission to feel the way you wish to feel, no matter what.
Try it. Watch what happens in your life as a result.
Joyce Shafer is a published author; freelance rewriter, editor, proofreader; and weekly columnist published at various online venues. See the exceptional reviews of her books, "I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say," at www.lulu.com/content/773467, and "How to Have What You REALLY Want," at www.lulu.com/content/796351. Visit her new website at ttp://www.freewebs.com/joyceshafer.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Not Your Ordinary Sand Castle
Morning stretched itself awake as I made my way down to the shore and joined the handful of early risers. Lacy edges of waves lapped gently over my feet and I scrunched my toes in warm sand. Good time to build a sand castle. It was modest, done mostly for relaxation and meditation, not something anyone would pause to admire. After I finished the basic shape, I began to decorate it with shells. A boy about eight years old walked up and began to kick at the castle. I wondered what was in his mind for him to do such a thing.
What happened next happened quickly. I held out my hand filled with shells and said, “Here, help me put these on.” He stopped kicking, looked at me, then took the shells and began to place them on the castle. We decorated in comfortable silence. “I’m out of shells,” he said after several minutes. “Get more,” I replied. He did, giving some to me. After a while, another little boy came along and started to kick the castle. My assistant started to fight him. I said, “Give him some shells.” The new boy worked with us for a couple of minutes then left.
When the entire exterior was covered in shells, we stepped back to look at our work. “We did a good job,” I said, “Thank you.” His eyes met mine then turned back to the castle, then he said it was time for him to go. I watched as he walked away and wondered how long our creation would remain in tact. The next morning, I found the shell-adorned castle still there. It was evident that only nature had touched it with its tide.
The boy must have been surprised when I extended my hand to him rather than yell at him to stop kicking or reacted more aggressively towards him. He chose to invest time and energy into his ornamental efforts then felt a need to protect the creation when someone sought to destroy it. Perhaps in human consciousness, Investment equals Connection. How different life might be if we assumed our connection first. Investment in each other and our world would be automatic.
If we don’t feel or perceive our connection to something or someone, it’s easy to either not care about it or them, or to destroy without thought or awareness. I accept what quantum physics reveals to us: All in existence is comprised of the same energy that is everywhere in the universe. The only separation is, ultimately, in our minds. Quantum physics reveals that after we peel away all layers of manifestation, absolutely nothing is there, nothing but the shared consciousness in all things and the potential for manifestation. Whether we call that consciousness the Creator or we call it Pudding doesn’t matter. It’s real. It’s who we are. We just haven’t fully grasped that yet.
From time to time, I wonder if the boy remembers that moment, if it had any further influence on his life. That moment is still a golden thread in my life’s tapestry. It was a lovely, peaceful solution; an act of loving kindness toward a stranger who would become a momentary friend. When someone gives us a challenge, perhaps we can offer them some “shells.” Every challenge is an opportunity to expand who we are. If we practice peaceful solutions with smaller challenges, we may one day seek to find peaceful ways to deal with the really big ones. And, isn’t that what love would do?
Please visit my website at http://www.freewebs.com/joyceshafer for more information about my books.
What happened next happened quickly. I held out my hand filled with shells and said, “Here, help me put these on.” He stopped kicking, looked at me, then took the shells and began to place them on the castle. We decorated in comfortable silence. “I’m out of shells,” he said after several minutes. “Get more,” I replied. He did, giving some to me. After a while, another little boy came along and started to kick the castle. My assistant started to fight him. I said, “Give him some shells.” The new boy worked with us for a couple of minutes then left.
When the entire exterior was covered in shells, we stepped back to look at our work. “We did a good job,” I said, “Thank you.” His eyes met mine then turned back to the castle, then he said it was time for him to go. I watched as he walked away and wondered how long our creation would remain in tact. The next morning, I found the shell-adorned castle still there. It was evident that only nature had touched it with its tide.
The boy must have been surprised when I extended my hand to him rather than yell at him to stop kicking or reacted more aggressively towards him. He chose to invest time and energy into his ornamental efforts then felt a need to protect the creation when someone sought to destroy it. Perhaps in human consciousness, Investment equals Connection. How different life might be if we assumed our connection first. Investment in each other and our world would be automatic.
If we don’t feel or perceive our connection to something or someone, it’s easy to either not care about it or them, or to destroy without thought or awareness. I accept what quantum physics reveals to us: All in existence is comprised of the same energy that is everywhere in the universe. The only separation is, ultimately, in our minds. Quantum physics reveals that after we peel away all layers of manifestation, absolutely nothing is there, nothing but the shared consciousness in all things and the potential for manifestation. Whether we call that consciousness the Creator or we call it Pudding doesn’t matter. It’s real. It’s who we are. We just haven’t fully grasped that yet.
From time to time, I wonder if the boy remembers that moment, if it had any further influence on his life. That moment is still a golden thread in my life’s tapestry. It was a lovely, peaceful solution; an act of loving kindness toward a stranger who would become a momentary friend. When someone gives us a challenge, perhaps we can offer them some “shells.” Every challenge is an opportunity to expand who we are. If we practice peaceful solutions with smaller challenges, we may one day seek to find peaceful ways to deal with the really big ones. And, isn’t that what love would do?
Please visit my website at http://www.freewebs.com/joyceshafer for more information about my books.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Watch That Swing!
If you take hold of a pendulum and pull it a certain distance from center point then release it, the rebound swing in the opposite direction matches the distance you held it from center point.
When we’ve felt restricted (allowed it) and “free” ourselves from that scenario, we may experience what I call the pendulum swing. This means when we release ourselves from a mode of behavior, we may not return to center balance, but pop over to the other extreme in some measure. We usually operate in extremes if our point of center, our inner compass, doesn’t have a strong foundation.
I observed this swing in a young woman I’m acquainted with when she posted a message that was so different from her usual posts, I couldn’t help note what seemed like an instant personality change. We’ve been virtual acquaintances for five-plus years; so seeing her spontaneously alter her personality was a surprise and I communicated this to her. Shortly after this exchange, she posted another message stating how she was now “free” and planned on…well, she listed what she planned on doing and behaviors she intended to exhibit, all in proclamation that she’d restricted her self-expression for too long.
It’s possible this “new” path is her true nature, but I couldn’t help note her words mimicked another individual’s on the site. I’m aware they’ve been friends for years and her new postings had all the earmarks of his influence. His nature is to operate in extremes, whereas she’s never indicated similar behaviors. This is what gave me pause.
Without mentioning the other person, I described the pendulum swing that often follows a major life change, which she’d recently experienced. I added that as long as she had head and heart alignment about this new path of freedom (that these were truly her ideas) then I wished her well. A reminder was included that if we enter a playground that isn’t one we really want to play in or belong in, we end up having to heal our heart, mind, spirit, and sometimes body. She responded she realized she was rushing things and hadn’t been aware of the pendulum possibility but could see the sense of it. That she could be so readily influenced by the other person indicates she hasn’t defined who she is and how she chooses to re-create her “new” self and life.
At all times, we have to do what is appropriate for us, not what is appropriate for others. If we find ourselves in a drastic-change situation or considering one, it’s okay and advisable to give thought to who we wish to become and how we want to live. So many don’t live as their authentic selves because they haven’t taken the time needed to consider what being authentic means to them. Jumping into the opposite behavior is one way to discover who you are, but it’s seldom the easiest or most productive way to do this. In fact, it’s often more destructive than not.
If you’re ready to discover and live as your authentic self, fall in love with the process so you can genuinely fall in love with who you are. Just as you get to know another, which takes time, get to know yourself. Let your inner compass point you in the direction that’s appropriate for you. No one else knows what your path should be. Just you.
Joyce Shafer is a published author; freelance rewriter, editor, proofreader; and United Press International weekly columnist, also published at various online venues. See the exceptional reviews of her books, "I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say," at www.lulu.com/content/773467, and "How to Have What You REALLY Want," at www.lulu.com/content/796351. Contact her at jls1422@yahoo.com.
When we’ve felt restricted (allowed it) and “free” ourselves from that scenario, we may experience what I call the pendulum swing. This means when we release ourselves from a mode of behavior, we may not return to center balance, but pop over to the other extreme in some measure. We usually operate in extremes if our point of center, our inner compass, doesn’t have a strong foundation.
I observed this swing in a young woman I’m acquainted with when she posted a message that was so different from her usual posts, I couldn’t help note what seemed like an instant personality change. We’ve been virtual acquaintances for five-plus years; so seeing her spontaneously alter her personality was a surprise and I communicated this to her. Shortly after this exchange, she posted another message stating how she was now “free” and planned on…well, she listed what she planned on doing and behaviors she intended to exhibit, all in proclamation that she’d restricted her self-expression for too long.
It’s possible this “new” path is her true nature, but I couldn’t help note her words mimicked another individual’s on the site. I’m aware they’ve been friends for years and her new postings had all the earmarks of his influence. His nature is to operate in extremes, whereas she’s never indicated similar behaviors. This is what gave me pause.
Without mentioning the other person, I described the pendulum swing that often follows a major life change, which she’d recently experienced. I added that as long as she had head and heart alignment about this new path of freedom (that these were truly her ideas) then I wished her well. A reminder was included that if we enter a playground that isn’t one we really want to play in or belong in, we end up having to heal our heart, mind, spirit, and sometimes body. She responded she realized she was rushing things and hadn’t been aware of the pendulum possibility but could see the sense of it. That she could be so readily influenced by the other person indicates she hasn’t defined who she is and how she chooses to re-create her “new” self and life.
At all times, we have to do what is appropriate for us, not what is appropriate for others. If we find ourselves in a drastic-change situation or considering one, it’s okay and advisable to give thought to who we wish to become and how we want to live. So many don’t live as their authentic selves because they haven’t taken the time needed to consider what being authentic means to them. Jumping into the opposite behavior is one way to discover who you are, but it’s seldom the easiest or most productive way to do this. In fact, it’s often more destructive than not.
If you’re ready to discover and live as your authentic self, fall in love with the process so you can genuinely fall in love with who you are. Just as you get to know another, which takes time, get to know yourself. Let your inner compass point you in the direction that’s appropriate for you. No one else knows what your path should be. Just you.
Joyce Shafer is a published author; freelance rewriter, editor, proofreader; and United Press International weekly columnist, also published at various online venues. See the exceptional reviews of her books, "I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say," at www.lulu.com/content/773467, and "How to Have What You REALLY Want," at www.lulu.com/content/796351. Contact her at jls1422@yahoo.com.
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